On Leaving a Relationship
'So
you're saying that Dan won't change,' she said.
I
looked at the young woman opposite me. I imagined my own daughter, years from
now, Jennifer's age, trapped in a lifeless relationship - what would I want a
colleague to tell her? What could he say that might help?
I'd
want her to be told that sometimes we have to mourn the future, that many young
couples have more future than present. Breaking up means giving up not only
their present, but the future they'd dreamed of. Leaving a relationship,
starting a new life, meeting the right
person, getting married and having a child can take a long time - much longer
than she might imagine. She might have to go through some pain to have what she
wants. But facing up to reality, however dreadful, is almost always better than
the alternative. I'd want my colleague to tell my daughter that, should she so
want, he'd try to help - he'd face all this with her.
Psychoanalysts
are fond of pointing out that the past is alive in the present. But the future
is alive in the present too. The future is not some place we're going to, but
an idea in our mind now. It is something we're creating, that in turn creates
us. The future is a fantasy that shapes our future.
Stephen Grosz, The Examined Life